I'm A Single Parent; and Male

I'm A Single Parent; and Male
by John Elliott aka Oaky Wood

I am a 55-year-old single parent living in the UK, and male.

All too often one hears of the plight of single parents that are female. Articles about absent fathers, or bad dads. Tales of abuse, and sexual harassment, non-payments of alimony and no support from ex-partners, and so the list continues, but what about the other side of the coin, what about the growing number of single parents who are in fact male?

I was so proud when my two children were born, I could have happily jumped over the moon and back again, such was my joy. My daughter was premature only 3 pounds at birth, and is "another story". Although a shadow hung over my son's actual paternity, through his mother's continued sexual activities with strangers, but that is yet "another Story", in my eyes he was and always would be my precious son. I was the only one he would ever know as dad, regardless of whether he carried my genes or not. A true father is the man who's brought you up, loved and cared for you, someone who's made personal sacrifices without reward, and all that's ever asked is love in return, but even when that love is not returned, a real father continues to commit and support.

Being a single parent is not easy, and never will be, but being a single parent and male is made more difficult, when all of the support agencies and groups are geared towards helping predominantly women victims. I was commended for being a single parent and taking on the responsibility, but frowned upon, because the support groups offered an almost closed shop exclusive for females attitude. Contact groups were like coffee morning crèche's, where the women gathered, bringing their convoys of pushchairs, stacked with changing mats and other essentials, and the daily shopping from the old corner shop down the street. I was placed in a distant dark, and unlit corner then ignored by the clan because I was male. I was a virtual outcast, yet I too was a single parent just like them seeking help and guidance for the predicament I found myself in. Such was their mistrust of men; I was cast aside and offered no support. I couldn't partake in any of the free activities being offered because men were excluded. I was seen as a threat, and only there looking for female company, which was the last thing on my mind, I can tell you. I needed help not another relationship or sexual gratification, but the army of mothers offered me none. This was a whole new learning curve for me, alone in my world of shattered dreams, trying to cope the best I could, and pretending to my children that it was the onions I was cutting to make our casserole diner, and not my deep sense of loneliness and despair that was causing the tears to cascade down my cheeks. They say a good weep clears the senses and does you good, but not when its every day, and certainly not when its uncontrollable sobbing as I found myself doing. Yes men do cry and more often than many would care to admit. I felt so desperate, so isolated, like a leper. Friends had mysteriously disappeared, not wanting to be seen taking sides, abandoned by my family, and left to cope alone. The cabinet of ever-increasing pills from the doctor often looked a better choice of meal than the meagre portion of food I was left with after making sure my kids were well fed. Besides it would be good for me to lose a few pounds, not that I was over weight or anything, just making the excuses to convince myself that not having enough food for us all would be ok, and the small amount left would really benefit me in the long run. Who was I really trying to kid, yes my health suffered, and I bare the scars within my body to this day, for my poor diet and the sacrifices I made so my children would be well fed and clothed.

If that wasn't bad enough then there was worse to come. Government departments, red tape and the bureaucrats that ran them took endless hours, to convince that I really was a single parent, and why wasn't my children with their mother. Even the forms they provided were not orientated towards anyone else being the single parent except a woman. As for claiming any alimony this was even worse. It took over 4 years for our British Child Support Agency to even track my ex down even though I had privately done so and supplied them with the details. They took the attitude that it would be better to let the children go live with their mother, it would make their paperwork easier. In the end I rec'd the princely sum of £5 or nearly $9 a week, and this was for two children. Wow was I excited NOT! I could have sat and wept. In fact I did on many an occasion, hiding my tears and depression as best I could again from my beloved children. This was just the tip of my nightmare as a single parent.

I was left with over £8000 ($13,864) in debt, a house, which was falling apart and on the verge of being re-possessed, gas about to be cut off, together with my water and electric supplies, credit card companies pestered for immediate payments, and my local council was sending bailiffs round daily over non payments of local Poll Taxes. All through my ex's none payment of bills which she was in charge of doing.

Determined not to cave in, I loved my children, they were my world and I was going to get out of this mess one way or another for their sake. At this time I had a small business that wasn't doing too well but that's "another story", my ex- wife wanted half of everything, except the debts that she had built up.
I decided to sell up, sell the house for peanuts to a builder friend, close down my business and try to rebuild my shattered life. This was almost a decade ago and the memories are still so vivid, and today I'm still a devoted single parent, making the usual sacrifices to afford the computers that centre their world.

Over the years my children, to this day have never received a single Christmas or Birthday present from their uncaring mother, in fact they have no contact with her at all, yet they are of ages now to seek her out if they wish, this will always be their decision not mine. My children have been my world, through all the anguish, tears and very hard times, now as I watch them grow into maturing adults, I stand back and admire what they are becoming, and hope that their lives would prove better than mine. Having said all this and knowing all I know, if my time was given me again I would change nothing, for its my past experiences, the many paths I've travelled, and the beautiful people I've befriended along my journey, that has shaped me into who I am today. Hopefully my children will look back on their lives and upbringing, look back and reflect on the job I've done as a father, they may even be a little bit proud of all I've achieved, then again they may not even give me a second thought. In the end children of today think so differently in a fast changing world, they have little time to look back, and the reflections in their mirrors are blurred, as the pace of life rushes past them. I'm very proud to be a single parent and to be called their DAD.